Raw

I started this yesterday, and wrote half a post about how having a clean house helps you relax, and that this was saucha. Saucha is the first of the niyamas, or observances in yogic philosophy. It strictly means purity, which can mean purifying yourself or cleanliness. There is a whole discussion there about cleanses and fasts, cleaning out your closets, and de-cluttering your life. But none of it was really speaking to me. I was writing it but not feeling any of it and it sounded superficial and fake.

I had a deep, meandering conversation with a friend this afternoon, which gave me clarity. So although my blog post is a day late, this is the post that I really wanted to write. I'm glad I gave it space and time to grow. I want to talk about saucha and purity as the idea of honouring things for the way that they are. Specifically feelings, both your own and others around you. This is a hard subject for me. I've always wanted to make everyone around me happy.

Fourteen years ago this Monday my husband and I said hello and good-bye to our daughter Teagan. We each had a child when we met, and this was our baby, who I thought would complete our family. We went for our first ultrasound and found out that our baby had anencephaly, a birth defect that is "not compatible with life". That phrase haunts me still. I can hear the doctor say it clearly even now. We had the choice to induce labour early or carry to term for another 5 months. I had two young kids at home and worked full time, I couldn't imagine carrying to term, so we chose to induce early. Our baby girl never took a breath and in the same moment I met her I had to let her go. It was the hardest thing I have ever done.

It left me broken and feeling alone, even though I was surrounded by people who loved me. I felt that way for a long time. Almost years. The fear of feeling that way ever again changed me. Before this I was a person who enjoyed a sad movie, and a good cry. I allowed myself to wallow in sadness when I felt it. But losing my daughter and the resulting depression which I suffered through silently made me different. I talked myself out of any negative feelings. I went full Vulcan. Sadness was irrational, so was anger. I made lists of reasons why I shouldn't feel sad or mad, and pushed it down. Until this summer I didn't even realize I was doing it.

At teacher training I think I probably cried 14 years worth of tears. I wish I could say that it felt good. It didn't. It was awful, and embarrassing to be crying all the time. But since then, I feel stronger, happier and grounded. I am beginning to trust my own strength and to ask for what I need. It feels empowering.

Can you be with all the emotions you experience and just allow them to be with having to alter them? Can you give yourself permission to feel sad or angry? And for you it might be allowing yourself to feel joy and happiness when those around you are suffering. Can you honour the pure feeling and just let it be and not change it or judge its validity? The bigger challenge then is can you do this for others. In our lives we have people who are great listeners and and just able to be with you no matter what. When someone around you is suffering and sad, we really want them to feel better. It feels very uncomfortable to sit in their sadness or anger with them. Can you hold space for them and experience the pure moment and not change it. It is so hard. I know for me that doing this as a teacher is fairly easy. Doing it as a friend is a bit harder but I can manage. As a mother it is the most difficult thing to just listen and hold space (sorry A&K, but I'm trying to be better). I also want to thank all the people who have sat with me while I cry and didn't tell me to cheer up, or or "don't be sad" or worse "everything happens for a reason". You all know who you are, and I appreciate you.

I'm glad that I told the story I wanted to today, even though it actually made me cry to write all this down. But I feel better and I know that it is honest and real. And that is more important to me.

Now I am going to clean my closet.