I haven't written a post here in over two months. Yikes. Summer was a busy time around my house, and I was quietly working through some stuff on my own, noticing how I react to things. In that time we spend a total of 17 nights on our boat, sometimes in the extreme heat watching forest fires, sometimes shivering in the rain. My husband had 5 weeks off this summer so when we weren't on the boat we were out for drives and seeing family that we hadn't seen in what seemed like eons.
In that time the third anniversary of my brain hemorrhage kinda snuck up and passed quietly. No more tests or follow ups to keep it in our minds. It was hard for me to have it sort of slip by. The last year has been well sort of stagnant in my mind. I wanted to do all these things to foster my independence and keep moving forward and the universe had other plans. Thanks pandemic. Instead I had a year of sitting with myself. Thinking about how I feel and really coming to accept this version of myself. In a way it was a gift to be forced into stillness.
This was a time when I had to learn to be with me, and to understand myself. I found that I was still comparing myself to everyone else. Compared to people who still work and have kids at home I felt lazy and broken. Compared to people I "met" in the brain injury community I wasn't broken enough (read no limp, no speech delays...). Too broken to work, not broken enough to feel sorry for myself. I've had to come to a place of acceptance. That I still need naps lots of days, and that is okay. That I can enjoy my lazy, slow mornings and not feel guilty about it. That I can get up and sleep in another room because sleep is my keystone to having a good day. I still waiver on some of these, depending on how tired I am (tired often comes with sad).
This was a time when I slowly could see how far I have even come in the last year. My confidence is much higher, my ability to not get lost and remember the way I came is getting better. I can usually find the bathrooms all by myself at a new restaurant now and not have huge anxiety about it. I have learned to manage the anxiety that a year ago was much harder to live with. My brain is relearning how to interpret things and to understand that it isn't always in danger. That is a relief.
The word I chose for last year was grace. I am not entirely ready to let that go, in fact I think that one might be here for the rest of my life. In those moments checking in to see if I am living the best version of myself. Am I doing the things I need to do to set myself up to succeed and live with an open, kind and gentle heart. So grace will stay. But in addition to that I think I am going to add the word NOW. To remind myself of a few things; the present moment is the one that matters and a reminder to check in with myself to see what do I need right now (in the wise words of my friend Jill). That when I am with people be with them in that moment. To get out of my head thinking about the past, lamenting what could have been, or day dreaming about the future. Now. When I am feeling overwhelmed to come back to the breath. When I am trying to navigate a busy place to be in that moment. You know, so you don't fall off a boat or something.
Because how you do this, is how you do everything. Slow breath in, and a letting go on the exhale. In each moment we are nourishing ourselves (in) and releasing what no longer is serving us (out). The rest is stories we weave and tell ourselves. We come to our mats over and over again to practice letting go of the stories. To quiet the story machine, and connect to the breath. The truth is that NOW is the only moment we have. This breath. Then the next. And the next. In each of those moments I have everything I need. An inhale, and the exhale.
So I encourage you to notice how much time you spend weaving stories, living in the past with regrets, or day dreaming about a tomorrow that hasn't happened yet. Meet yourself where you are at. Be sad when you feel sad. Tired? Take a nap. Set your boundaries (still working that one), let go of comparisons and expectations. Want to talk about this? So do I! Reach out!
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