The fifth anniversary of may brain hemorrhage came and went quietly. We were on holidays on the boat in Idaho. No celebration. Quiet recognition. Last year the word I picked was open. I reminded myself each time something popped up, and I started to get worked up, I would take a deep breath and remind myself to be open to the hard things. To lean in and appreciate what they would teach me. Like I did with balance and grace, the words I had picked the two previous years before, I will keep open in my toolbox and reach for it when I need it.
This year's word is trust. A close cousin of surrender but that little corner of ishvara pranidhana that seems to be the hardest part for me. I feel comfortable surrendering attachment to things, I can surrender my hopes and dreams for myself and those I care about, but trusting that I don't need to control, alter or have a plan for every contingency still gets me.
An example is I am a chronic over packer. I always have at least 2 outfits I didn't wear when I get home from holidays. I took a hoodie on our boat trips 3 times this summer and NEVER WORE IT. I can't relax until I have a plan in my head for everything and anything that might go wrong. I always bring home at least two beach towels we didn't use. I don't know if that will ever change. But what I do want is when that urges to plan and control outcomes comes up for me and it is out of my control is to tell myself to trust. Trust that it will work out, trust that a solution will always present itself. And bring myself back to NOW. Right now I almost always have everything I need and I can be content.
This has been a good year. I expected my recovery and progress to maybe plateau, but in someway this year has given me more changes and growth the the one before it. I started running again, and I am almost up to 10 km again. There is a goal of another half marathon for me, the half blind half. I have worked with a personal trainer this year and I feel stronger and my balance is getting better. I don't feel like a clumsy fool getting on and off the boat anymore. My sense of direction is improving, I feel more confident in getting around in strange places, and I am faster to recognize places I have been past before. In Sandpoint this summer I could remember places we had been a year previously and recognize places we had walked past when we drove by them later. I know that sounds silly. But it is a not great feeling to never really know where you are and to have no trust in your own ability to get around and be safe.
I am feeling better about the fatigue, not that it is much better but it rarely makes me cry anymore. I take pre-emptive naps, and my husband is good about reminding me too. I still need a ridiculous amount of sleep, but I have accepted that as my norma now. I enjoy reading again and have already read more books this year than in the previous 4 years combined. My mom got me started doing stained glass a year ago, and I love it. I even went and saw a movie in a theatre. So I do feel like I have ample things to fill my time now. Less iPad, and more actual engagement in activities.
In the next year I wan to push myself more, while still holding space for balance. I think that will look like getting up at moving earlier so I can get to more yoga and fitness classes in the community. Trying to schedule my rest time and not pushing through it. To nourish my body and mind with healthier choices. To reach out to others more, and to a wider variety of people.
Trust.
Let go, then reach for what I need.
Breath in, then out.
Push, and rest.
This moment is complete.
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