Today is the fourth anniversary of my brain hemorrhage. They told me that I would see the most healing in the first year, and I am not sure that this is true. I feel like I did more healing in the last year than in the previous ones. My vision remains the same. Although I did get new glasses, and the stronger prescription did make life much easier. But I am finally sleeping fairly normally, I am satisfied with how I am able to read (speed and amount). My anxiety is at an acceptable level, not knocking me over unexpectedly anymore. I am at a place I wasn't sure I'd ever get to. On Saturday I was at a kundalini yoga class and at the end we were meditating on gratitude. For the first time I was grateful that I had had this hemorrhage. Not that I wasn't more severely impacted, or that I got to sleep at home... grasping for what I could possibly be happy about, but I was grateful for the experience. I can finally appreciate the gifts that have come with it openly.
I am thankful for the time I spent in the rehabilitation unit if only to sing in music therapy with a friend from work (the music therapist), my grade 11 social studies teacher and my parents. What a unique experience. I am grateful for the people I met there and think of the almost daily. I am grateful for not working. Being able to take holidays with my husband anytime of the year. I am grateful for how much it has taught me about myself, and the growth that has come with that. I am happy for the gift of time I have been given to do the things I want to, for how much it has brought my husband and I closer together, for the person it has helped me become. I am content. Santosha.
The last couple of years around this time I have set a year long intention in the form of one word. Two years ago it was grace. Last year it was now.
This year I think it will be OPEN.
I am open to suffering. When something feels hard, stressful, gets my back up or generally I want it to go away, I will try and smile and remember that all growth comes from suffering. Thant each time that feeling arises it is a reminder to look closely to see what am I holding on to that is no longer serving me. Am I trying to control the outcome? Is it an old story that might not be true?
I am open to all possibilities. I have used that as a mantra for the last 4 years when I am worried about the future and what will happen. In the moments when I feel like I have no control I will surrender. I will offer up that worry and fear and remind myself to be open.
I am open with others about how I am feeling. I will share with those close to me my feelings about things especially when I think they won't understand or it is silly. The moment I talk about it, it always feels better.
I am open to other people and will meet them exactly where they are and not expect anything else from them. I will try and remind myself that each of us is working through our own stuff and our experiences are different. I can set boundaries when I need to, but I will try not expect others to change for me. I will remind myself to accept that their experience is true for them, and allow them to be on their own journey.
I am open to trying things that might be hard for me. I will sit with the uncomfortable and let go of expectations of outcome.
I am not sure what the next year holds for me. That's okay. Not sure if this blog will continue as there has been a feeling of letting unconditional yoga go. That is okay too.
I am open to all possibilities.
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