One time before I even went to my yoga teacher training I was journalling and wrote "comparison will be the death of me". That sentence has stuck in my head a long time now. At the time I was comparing myself to other women in my yoga classes. I was too old, too fat, too weak to consider being a yoga teacher. Most times I am doing better in the judging myself area, that is until I get tired. Then I fall back into those old patterns, only now it isn't that I am too fat or old, it is "I should still be able to do that".
This weekend was a good weekend. My husband has had Fridays off, so we have gotten to spend 3 (or more) full days together. On this Friday we walked up town, saw an old friend of ours on the street and then went and had dinner before walking home. This friend of ours was helping to consign an old car and invited us to come and see it the next day before it was shipped off to Florida. So Saturday morning we got up, sent out for breakfast and then to see this car in a driveway. We were there for a few hours, his wife who I used to be quite good friends with dropped by and we had a lovely visit. I came home, tried to have a nap, but didn't really. I slept terribly Saturday night, waking up about 7 times between midnight and five. Sunday morning Ian left me to sleep and got up while I stayed in bed for another 2 hours. But I was still exhausted. I made myself go for a walk, and for the first half I I was still comparing myself to everyone else. I thought things like "I should be over this tired by now" and "You can't even go out for two small days in a row, what is wrong with you". But I caught myself. I remembered my practice of replacing the "should's" with the actual I am statements; "I am tired today" rather than "I shouldn't feel like this".
I came home, had a nap, and then pulled out my journal. I wrote about setting my intention this week for remembering who I am. It looked something like this:
I am a survivor. I survived a massive hemorrhagic stroke. I've been told by my parents and husband that both the EMT who looked after me, and the emergency room doctor came up to see me in the ICU because they couldn't believe I was still alive. This statement reminds me that I can do the hard things, but also that I have brain damage. If I had physical paralysis or speech challenges I think I would be easier on myself. In so many ways I "look" normal, if you talk to me, I seem fine. I need to remind myself that my stroke was serious enough that medical professionals thought I would die. That might sound dramatic, but it helps put things in perspective for me.
I am wired for connection. I pull back when I am tired. I isolate myself. In the times I most need to reach out and connect, I withdraw. I feel better every time I take the risk and share how I am feeling. Even if it is a post online to a support group with other people who are going through the same thing. Reach out.
I am worth it. There is a reason I am still here. I still have work to do. I need to remember to speak up and ask for what I need, maybe to go to bed early, to go home, for a hug. If you could pick a lesson that I've been slowly learning for the last 10 years, it is this one.
I am two sides of the same coin. I am stronger than I imagined, and yet incredibly fragile. I can do the hard things, AND I can nap. All things are accepted and one thing doesn't rule out the opposite.
I live in the present moment. When I am in the here and now and not thinking about the past or worrying about the future I realize that everything is perfectly okay.
I am sad and moving through grief.
I am missing my friends and big belly laughs.
I am grateful.
I am open to all possibilities.
My friend Niki who is a meditation teacher, her favourite Sanskrit mantra is "So hum". Translated it means "I am that". So as I wrote my list she was in my heart. Her mantra takes on these amazing depths the more you think about it. It can be a reminder of all the things like I listed above, and it is. But to me it goes hand in hand with "namaste" . I am the light. I am the spark of the divine that is in each of us. I am still alive.
So hum.
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