I'm not even sure where to begin this post. Lately I have been noticing two conflicting drives within myself. One that causes me anxiety and stress, and one that feels like home. I think it has been there forever but I've really started noticing it. I really started to discern this difference about 2 months ago. A group I was in was doing a 3 week cleanse coinciding with the arrival of spring. I signed up, order my shit load of vegetables, and was prepared to go hard core. By day 3 I was ready to quit. I was listening to advice the leaders were giving, I was following the instructions and more than how I felt physically, something inside me was screaming NO!!!!!
So I backed off. I had my one cup of coffee, I stuck to no red meat or dairy (other than in my coffee) but stopped watching the videos, listening to pep talks and I listened to me. And then in my meditation teacher training lately it has been a lot about tapas and pushing through the hard work to get the life you want. If there is anything I have learnt about myself in the last 6 months, it is that I maybe need to lay off the tapas. More surrender, less push.
The beginning of healing for me was "who's not giving up" as my husband used to say to me all the time. Now I need the reminder of "why are you doing this?" because if it is because I think I SHOULD versus it is how I feel, I need to maybe reexamine it. For me this means turning off the other voices and pulling back. Remembering what and who is important in my day to day life, and just being there for a bit. I forget about noticing those "shoulds", that tell that I am not in the right place for me. When I notice myself comparing myself to what other people are doing, it is time to pull back and drop in again.
Here is what I have figured out. These thoughts, desires, and drives come from one of two places. They are driven my by ego (you should be doing this, other people can do this) or they are driven by my soul (feels like home). My brain hemorrhage has given me an opportunity that few have in their lives, to listen to my soul and follow its voice. I don't have to worry about money or a job. Around the same time as the cleanse my husband said something to me that was like a bolt of lightening. He said " You get to choose to do something everyday just because you love it. So if you go for a walk and take your camera and take 100 crappy pictures but you love it, than do it. You get to choose, there are no expectations. No one to make happy but you. So make yourself happy."
So ego versus soul. There is what all the discomfort and unpleasantness is coming down to for me. When I am my best self, my ego takes a break and the soul takes the wheel. Meditation and yoga (and yoga really is meditation, not the fancy shapes you make on your mat) are where this happens. I settle in and focus on my heart and settle back into my soul not my ego. I am loving awareness. I am loving awareness. I am loving awareness.
I have no one to make happy but myself. Drop in. Breathe. Settle into that place. I am that place. This is where we are meant to be. I am just lucky to have the time and ability to live here now. I have to remember that.
Comments