Let me preface this with I know that both of my children read this blog. I hope that they know that I love them, and that this should become abundantly clear, but at first glance one might not be so sure. I think I might be all done with parenting, in fact it might be over rated. There I said it out loud. I think part of it has to do with my low tolerance to stress since my stroke but I am also pretty sure this feeling was there before. It is only now that I feel like I can say it out loud. This does not mean that I regret or wish anything different than it is already is. But at this point in my life I think I am ready to be done with it.
Let me explain. I think that with the rise of feminism women felt that choosing to be a parent rather than work meant you weren't a real feminist. So for years women defended their choice to parent to the point that if your chose not to parent you were selfish and heartless. We swung so far past the middle, that we started judging those around us who chose a career and fulfilling their own aches and desires. I know that for me I used the "parenting is the most important job you can have" ideal to help justify my own choices, and my own shame at some of the choices I had made. I threw myself into parenting at my own expense, putting myself last, because that it was what a good mother does. And that reaction, to devalue what I wanted so that I could be the best mother, is not a choice I want to make anymore. When you put yourself last, it gives everyone else who sees you do it permission to put you last as well. Whether they realize it or not.
There is this dance that I know lives out in my family, and I am sure that it happens in others as well. I do it, my kids do it... this dance of "what if they are disappointed in me? I can't let my parents down, they can't be mad, I need them to approve and be proud..." I offer up this: what if your parents disapproved of a choice you made, what if they were mad? There is a line from a Barenaked Ladies Song that has stuck with me since the first time I heard it in high school:
"I go to school, I write exams,
If I pass, if I fail, if I drop out does anyone give a damn?
And if they do, they'll soon forget.
Cause it won't take much for me to show that my life ain't over yet."
Every amazing, scary, life changing decision I have ever made came from doing the thing I thought would be the hardest for my parents. The decisions that seemed selfish, better for me but maybe harder for everyone else were the ones that changed me forever. And they were absolutely the correct one in hindsight. It has taken me 25 (or so) years of adulthood to understand that. So to my children I hope you are still reading this far and not giving up after the first paragraph:
I abdicate my parenting responsibilities. You are two amazing adults who I used to feel I needed to protect. No longer. It is your turn. Make your hard decisions. Make your "mistakes" (catch: there are no mistakes". You owe nothing to anybody. Your worth is not determined by your family status, your job, where you live or who you love. I have loved each of you unconditionally from the moment I CHOSE to be your mother. So do you. Do what you need. Live what you know to be true. Trust your knowing. You are exactly where you are meant to be. Learn your lessons, make your changes, CHOOSE AGAIN and know that I am doing the same for me. When something makes you mad, gets your back up, know that you can't change others, only your own reaction. This is the work. Navigating relationships and people is the hardest part of life. Remember that unconditional love part. That you are who you should be, right now. You are loved just for existing, there is now work to be done. Once you see it in yourself, you begin to see it in others. That is when the magic happens.
Being your mother taught me that.
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