I'm sure glad that I didn't promise to do one of these a week, because I would not have come even close to keeping that promise. And that is totally okay. I have been examining living with brain injury through the lens of the yamas and niyamas from yoga philosophy. I have spoken about all the of the yamas or restrictions and ethical rules. Now I am going to start looking at the niyamas or observances. The first one is saucha, which means purity or cleanliness. But it goes so much deeper than this. I like to think of it as the "deal with your shit" niyama.
When I was at yoga teacher training, I realized how little I practiced this in my life and it was super hard for me. There was a breakfast where I had a sobering realization and I think I scared a few people. You can read my first post here where I talked about that experience. When I was in the near-rehabilitation ward I surprised myself often with how I was dealing with my brain injury. In occupational therapy I cried often, I was repeatedly shown things I used to be able to do easily and now were a struggle for me. My long term memory was coming back and there was so much grief about what I had lost. I remembering explaining saucha to my occupational therapist, and telling him "it was okay, I had to feel it to heal it". I would cry in front of everyone and tell them openly about how I was feeling. In a state where my ego didn't matter, and nothing felt at stake, I was super open about the sadness and grief I was feeling. And it felt right.
I'm happy to say that I have tried to keep that lesson with me as I heal. To talk to someone when I am feeling sad, rather than to not trouble them. When I am anxious I tell someone. No hiding, no coping alone, because I just can't. And here is the part I find most amazing. I used to not want to make people worry about me. Which in hindsight is crazy because they worry so much less when I share openly about how I am feeling.
This openness about how feelings and not judging them, also brings me back to my favourite topic, compassion. But not judging and valuing my feelings any differently it allows me to be more open and receptive to others. In a time where the political landscape seems so divided and polarized, suacha gives us the tools to be compassionate towards others. When we are open and receptive to others, ESPECIALLY when they are different from us, we live in a place where our hearts are open and receiving to the gifts others have to give us. In the same way that we are learning to gentle and accepting with ourselves, we can use this in our reactions to others. Even those who we do not agree with, or who we believe to be incorrect are worthy of our compassion and understanding.
The phrase that always sticks in my head and guides me now, is curiosity. When I get that feeling where I get my back up and I want to argue, when I want to quit, when something seems like it is too hard... can I be curious about why. Can I start and new discussion, or even just maybe try and understand what has happened to that person to get them to arrive to a different point than me. Can I reframe what I am doing and understand why I react the way I do. I can never change another person. Only myself. And each of us had lived a different life, with a whole different set of experiences that has shaped them into who they are. That does't mean I have to agree with them, but saucha helps me to be gentler with others and myself.
And don't we all want that.
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