I've been thinking about this post for a few weeks now. I think this might be the hardest of the yamas and niyamas for me post brain injury. It is non-stealing, or asteya. Last time I examined it I said this. I talked about not stealing my husbands joy with his fancy hot rod car. Update on said car; he has since made it bigger faster and stronger, put fuel injection and methanol injection on it, and I am afraid of getting in it. Luckily there is still a bit more work to do so I have some time to get my head around the fact that it is insanely powerful and on a really old frame with no seat belts.
This time though I wanted to think about how I've had to apply this to my life since my brain bleed. This has been a very large struggle for me. My brain injury has not turned me into a kleptomaniac, although now I am wondering about that as a plausible defence... But I digress. I first brought this up back in May, and spoke a bit about how hard it has been to give myself permission to do nothing. I am still have to work on this. Daily. This was going to be my year. I was starting a new position at work, I was going to put more energy and effort into to my yoga teaching. And it all disappeared. And I see everyone else moving forward, and making plans for the rest of their lives.
And I feel stagnant. Stuck. Left behind. I feel like I am wasting time, especially on the days that I do nothing because I'm so tired. My husband goes off toward and works all day and I sleep in, maybe read a bit, play on my iPad, if I am feeling ambitious i might walk to the yoga studio in town. How do I justify my days? What do I have to show for it? I've spoken to family and friends about the cultural pressure to be doing something productive, that "nothing" is frowned upon. I constantly have to remind myself that I am healing. And I can feel the healing happening. I definitely feel an improvement. I feel more like my old self all the time so I know it is paying off. I constantly have to reframe my time as "healing" and not a time waste. And once again the idea of attachment and letting go has appeared. I am forced to examine my own expectations of self, and my attachment to the idea of success, and usefulness. Things I never noticed about myself before. If anything this time has allowed me to know and understand myself so much better and deeply. It has also given me insight into the person I want to be, and where I need to focus my attention now. It has given the space to be curious about myself, and my own way of seeing the world and how I treat myself and others.
When I think of my time as being wasted, I am stealing this opportunity for learning and connection to myself and others. There are things that I have learned and experienced that I would never want to give up. I could do without the fatigue, and anxiety , but they are getting better, or at least manageable.
So I challenge you to look at your life. Where to you feel stuck, and can you be curious about what it is that makes you feel that way? For me it was my attachment to the idea of what being successful, or how we should be filling our time. What thought is keeping you here, in place where you feel stuck or sad? Can you reframe how you think, be kind and gentle with yourself (ahimsa) and give yourself permission to just be.
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