Someone I know asked me to help them stop pervasive thoughts, and how I did that, or changed the story I told myself. I said I would write about it. That was two months ago. Ooops. So sorry this took me so long!
The very first thing that I would start is a meditation practice. It doesn't have to be long, but to get into the habit of noticing when and what you are thinking. If you want more information on that you can reach out to me or this is a good place to start. Through meditation you can see how often thoughts just pop up, there is a constant script going like we are a star in our own melodrama. When you start to meditate thoughts come up all the time, and the best thing to do is pat yourself on the back for noticing and go back to your mantra or your breath. No attachment to the thought, no story about how you failed at meditating, just "Hey, look a thought... " and you return to your practice.
The next thing I would do is I would set an intention to notice every time a pervasive thought comes up. Just like in meditation "oh hey there is that thought" and you let it go. Do this for a few weeks, and then have a plan for what you want to replace it with. That's great Erin, you are probably saying, but I have no idea where to start. There are 8 million thoughts and stories and how do you pick one? How do I know what to replace it with? For me I notice the thought that accompanies the unpleasant feeling I would like to get rid of. And then I ask myself "Is this absolutely true?" Would my best friend agree with this? It usually is most definitely not absolutely true. Looking for more on this? I highly recommend the work of Byron Katie. Ask yourself what she calls the four liberating questions. Is this true? Is this absolutely true? How do you react when you believe that thought? and Who would you be without that thought.
Let me share one that I have been working on for a few YEARS now. I get frustrated with myself on my tired days, and tell myself that I am broken and I should be able to do more. I tell myself that I am letting my husband down. So the intention that I set is to notice when I tell myself "I shouldn't be so tired". I have found that if I catch myself there I can let it go faster.
When I notice myself saying "I shouldn't be so tired" I smile to myself (good job noticing) and what I have decided to replace that should with is an "I am " statement. So today "I shouldn't be so tired" becomes "Good job, noticing. *deep breath* I am feeling tired and warn out today." No judgements about that. No pushing myself through. Now there is a disconnect between practicing the new thought and my feelings following along. I mean there is more than 40 years of engrained behaviour there to let go of. It takes time. Slowly the new story, the hopefully more accurate story comes to you faster and faster. It is a practice (not a perfect).
In yoga philosophy the yoga sutras tell us that there are five causes of suffering. These are the klesas. The first one is lack of awareness, you don't know what you don't know. The second is a distorted sense of self. You compare yourself to others (or in my case how I used to be) and find that you don't measure up. Or you see yourself as better than others and then look down upon other people. The third cause of suffering is clinging to past pleasure, and seeking out that which made you happy in the past. The fourth cause is the clinging to past suffering, either by avoiding experiences that you think will be unpleasant, or dwelling on things that happened in the past (e.g. dwelling on past relationships and holding on to anger). And the last cause of suffering is the fear of death. This idea of suffering could be a whole series of posts in itself!
The key to notice is that all of the causes of suffering if you notice, come from ourselves. It is our own thoughts that make us miserable. So you can look at that thought you want to replace as relieving your own suffering. So my "I shouldn't be so tired" is my comparing myself to others and to what I used to be capable of, it is the comparison that makes me miserable. Not the being tired. Tired is neither good nor bad, it just is.
Things that might make this easier; be very specific. Not "I will notice when I feel anxious". Anxiety is a belief that you can't do or handle something. Be clearer: I will notice when I am anxious about getting lost (to borrow from my own life). Have a plan, in the case of my anxiety around getting lost, I practiced using the gps on my phone until I felt confident that I could use it in a variety of situations. Check in with how things are RIGHT NOW, right now I have everything I need. I am breathing in and I am breathing out. That's all I need at this moment. Maybe the thought you want to get rid of is "They are thinking I am not good enough". First you notice the thought... good job noticing by the way. Is it absolutely true or is there another explanation that is just as plausible, so maybe when you notice this thought you smile, breathe, and say in your head "I am exactly where I need to be".
Like I said, it is a practice. But the payoffs as it starts to work are amazing. Reach out if you want to work through something. I'd be happy to listen. But come prepared with something specific. Do the work. We hold the keys to releasing ourselves from suffering.
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