I'm pretty sure I haven't written about this in my previous 2 entries. (In case you are confused, I went to write a post on Sunday only to find that I had written about the exact same thing last time, this was the second time I had done that. Brain injury is a constant struggle.) I've talked before about how the two guide posts in my life are compassion and joy. These are the things that let me know I am doing the thing that is right for me. Lately I have not been feeling the joy. I am not sad or down, just kinda blah. My second anniversary of my hemorrhage is coming up quick, and I think I have reached the plateau. Things might slightly improve from now on, but this, I think is how things are going to be. I'm more tired than I would like, and I am not nearly as independent as I hoped I would be. But that is ok, and it isn't really what I wanted to write about today.
I set a weekly intention, and I put quite a bit of thought into it each week. I've talked about this before, here and here. This week my intention is to look for the joy in the everyday things. To notice those things that make me smile, and I am grateful for in the moment. But here is where this gets into a deep discussion about a somewhat divisive topic. God. The universe. Creator. However you might think about that. This is a tricky subject because I know a bunch of people who are best described as agnostic if not atheists. This is okay. I have friends who believe very strongly in God and religion plays a very important part in their daily lives. This is okay. One of the things that has always appealed to me about yoga is in inclusivity. Although it has its own spiritual beliefs, it does not say one is more correct than another. Yogi gurus refer to Christ and Mohammed as those we should emulate in our practice. "Meditate like the Christ, only on love".
"Okay Erin," your probably thinking, "now you've made me a little apprehensive about what this is going to entail." Relax. Your beliefs are your beliefs. If it makes you happy, brings you peace, and makes you a better person to the people around you, go for it. Whatever and however you choose. Be it seeing the beauty in nature and the wonder that surrounds us, or it is a religious practice in a community that brings you joy. You do you.
But here is how I feel. More so since my hemorrhage than ever before. I do believe in a higher power, and the science nerdy part of me hates that. But I have to. I don't even care if it turns out I am wrong. It brings me peace now. It makes me see the true nature of the other humans I encounter each day. When we say namaste, it means "the light in me sees and honours the light in you". That light is God. That spark of the divine that is in each one of us. I believe that you can only see in others that which you have known in yourself. When we see others suffering we remember our own suffering. We feel their pain. We hold them in our heart space. Compassion. When I see God in things like the bees on my flowers, the smile from my neighbour's one year old grandson when I stop to talk to him, the birds at my feeder, I remember that connection that we all have. And yoga is connection.
We spend our lives looking for the big moments of joy, the championship wins, the belly laughs, the passionate love, the grand gestures. But sure love, joy, connection comes in the little moments. The bees. The smiles. The small touch as you pass in the kitchen. The text message. The sunshine. The sounds of the river and the birds. The sidelight around 8 pm on the hill behind my house. I see joy, and in turn God in each of those little moments.
But I have to look for it. When I am not making that my priority, it can slip by. I'm not present in the moment, I miss the moment all together. Time is short and I feel this so much now, tomorrow is not a guarantee. In this moment, when I stop and look I see love and joy everywhere. Right now I am sitting on my deck with the laptop listening to the birds, watching couples go by holding hands and laughing. I am thinking about my husband coming home soon. I am loving that it finally feels like summer. The river is clear and clean. I am happy (and a little bit tired, but I'll take it).
Joy.
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