Each month in a few of the groups I am in, I lead japa meditation at the beginning of our meetings. We pick a mantra for to do the entire month. This month I picked "Aham Prema" which translates to "I am divine love."
Personally I needed this as a mantra and a reminder as I have working trough a book on suffering. How do our ego minds take the wheel and cause our own suffering. The first cause in yoga philosophy is avidya or forgetting who we are or ignorant of our true nature. When we identify with ego rather than our soul we forget who we are. When we cling to our stories and emotions we forget are true selves.
Our egos are important and serve a place. They are how we understand the world, how we learn to interact with it, and maintain social relationships. It allows us to feel safe as we learn to predict how others will behave towards us and how nature works. But when we can't alter the story or cling tightly to roles we have, and how we identify ourselves it causes us to not feel so great.
The biggest example I can think of in my own life is when I had my brain hemorrhage and could no longer work or drive. If you had asked me before who I was my answer would have been something like "I work with special needs kids, I like being independent, I am grounded and it takes a lot to shake me." Post hemorrhage I don't work, can't really grocery shop alone, and I get overwhelmed by small things. It took a lot of sitting in feeling yucky to let go of those labels that I used to describe myself. Now if you asked me to describe myself I would say I think I am tenacious and don't quit, I am compassionate, and I love connecting in a meaningful way. I am more prepared to let go of those if need be, but for now it fits.
This week this caame up for me in anxiety about some silly health stuff. I have a flare up of tendinitis in my arms. A year ago it was my right leg... maybe there is a deeper reason why but after talking to my doctor about it, no matter what the cause is (repetitive stress, not stretching enough for someone who walks 30 km a week...) the treatment is exactly the same. Ice as needed, rest, avoid inflammatory foods. But I got stuck in a loop that this might be something bigger, autoimmune was thrown around... and every time I felt a new sensation (pain, tingling...) I started to worry. It even caused a panic attack at one point. Then listening to "The Untethered Soul" by Michael A. Singer he was talking about letting go of social anxiety and what others thought about you. He offered up a thought experiment of thinking about how many people and other animals there are on earth. Earth is but one planet in our solar system, our sun is one of an unimaginable about of stars in the universe, and we worry about that the lady at the grocery store rolled her eyes at us. We are not that important.
But what I really took away from that is that is what an amazing thing that so fart no other planet has life on it that we know of. That we live here, and billions of years ago something magical happened that created life and now here I am. And I am worrying about auto immune, which diagnosed or not has the same treatment. So my intention this week is to notice when I get triggered by a sensation in my body and start worrying, and to stop, take a breath and thank my meat suit for all the work it has done for me. For carrying me 30 km a week.
It makes sense that my ego, whose job it is to keep me safe and alive AND has almost died once already, notices something, it looks for every source of danger. MUST KEEP SAFE!! If I identified with those thoughts and that was what I believed I would be sacred all the time. But my connections with others, the feelings I get in meditation, my time in the rehabilitation ward, tell me there is something more. Even if it is just the miracle that we exist on this goldilocks planet. It puts things in perspective .
It takes away my suffering. Ahhh... that's just it.
Here is this months mantra... Aham prema. I am divine love.
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