This is a post that has been hanging around in the back of my head for awhile, and our word in our yoga philosophy group this week is smrti or memory. We have been talking about the different states our mind can be in so you can understand and identify what is happening in our minds at any given time. We've talked about sleep, imagination, misperception and correct perception. This week we are talking about memory.
Memory is a funny thing. Perhaps you have a sibling or family member and you can describe a moment and you both have very different recollection of what happened or how it felt. Maybe you have a loved on with dementia who's memory is fading, or lives constantly in memory and can't seem to get back to the present. Or maybe like me you are missing time.
The brain is complicated, entire courses in university exist on learning and memory, and I know I took lots of them. So it really isn't possible to go into full detail here. If you are interested there is a really good show on Netflix called The Mind narrated by Emma Stone and it is worth a watch. When I had my brain bleed the blood seeped into my midbrain, and messed up stuff there. In your midbrain is a structure called the hippocampus, it is the part of your brain that puts short term memory into long term memory and its also involved in spatial memory or route finding. As a result of the bleed I have no long term memory for a stretch of about 5 weeks. Around the 4 or 5 week mark I start to have some memory of voices and conversations. I still have trouble with spatial memory now. I think it is the double whammy of vision and the injury to the hippocampus. I am told that there is no permanent damage so I am hopeful that in more time I will feel more confident in that route finding and not getting lost.
I have had conversations with someone who after a car accident was in a comma for about 3 weeks, we talked about this time lost because for me it sounds very much the same, only I was up and doing things and talking to people rather than being in a comma. It is the strangest feeling to have 5 weeks of your life that other people remember and can tell you about but have no memory of what so ever. My husband says he has a time as a teenager where he got a concussion and lost 3 hours or so and he knows how weird that felt, he can't imagine 5 weeks.
I've spent a great deal of time thinking about memory and yoga in the last few years. Here is what I have come up with:
Being aware of when you are in memory and thinking about the past is important, as is knowing that we don't necessarily remember things the way they were. I am notorious for remembering the good things and forgetting the bad, and maybe have dated the same guy more then once because of it. Sitting with he past is helpful to only help you understand yourself and be aware of your patterns and the stories you tell yourself. It will not help you move forward, leave it there.
Being aware of how learn things and what impedes your memory is a necessity for success. And by success I definitely mean little s success. So putting appointments into the calendar on my phone and such is a must now. Not having extra background noise when I am listening to someone if I need to remember what they are saying.
Memory retrieval is a crazy weird thing, you know when you are trying to remember an actor's name and it comes to you in the middle of the night? Well because all the pathways in my my brain were scrambled retrieving things sometimes takes a little longer than usual, but I know that if I stop thinking about it and sit quietly than it happens way faster. Like when you have lag on your computer but you keep typing and entering commands, it has to get through all those things first before it can get back to memory retrieval.
Use mnemonics. Those are those little tricks that make it easy to remember things like if you learned how to read music the "every good boy deserves fudge" to remember what note each line is? In occupational therapy in the rehabilitation unit, literally every afternoon the therapist would take me on a walk with my pad of paper and a pen and I would write down what way we had gone and then it was my job to get us back to the therapy room following it backwards. If I could go back and hug Richard my OT I would. Although I don't usually have to write it down anymore, I still do this going to the bathroom in restaurants all the time, or anytime I have to remember a route to get back somewhere. And I still carry a pad of paper and a one with me almost all the time.
I don't trust my memory and I often confirm with others to ensure what I remember matches what they do, or I will check texts and emails to see if I remembered accurately. I wonder if in non brain inured life this would have been a good habit too?
Having a space in time I don't remember but still existed gives me this strange understanding for the concept of purusa. That unchanging light inside you that is worthy of unconditional love just because you exist. No ego. I think it gives me a unique perspective.
Meditation teaches you to notice the things that are passing through your mind. Daydreaming of the future or reminiscing about the past is wheree most of us may spend our time without even realizing it. As you quiet your mind you spend more time in the present moment, fully aware and engaged in what you are doing. Be that conversation, remembering your route so you don't get lost or making dinner.
Although there is much I don't remember from that time, the feeling of not understanding, being lost, being incapable of solving problems or looking after myself I carry with me. It drives my anxiety, and it doesn't seem to matter what I do to move forward, I can't shake it. It was in those moments of fear and confusion in the hospital my husband would take my face in his hands kiss me on the forehead and say "who's not giving up" because he knew that in that moment the temptation to give up and cry was close.
Memory is a funny, fragile thing. We depend on it constantly to move through life, even though it can be highly inaccurate and subjective. We need it to learn and understand ourselves and move forward, but then we need return to the present moment. We can do things to improve it and its accuracy but all the while remembering that it can be filled with errors. It provides us with a sense of self, history and connection. Not having it is a terrifying place.
There is a song by Donovan Woods called "Read About Memory" and the line that often goes through my head is "And the more I read about memory the less I pay it mind
It's just a story that we tell ourselves, or at most, a lullaby". So the invitation to us is this; visit your memories to learn and grow. Know that we see the world, and in turn remember it the way WE are, with our lenses. Memory and ego are close friends and we need to be aware of their interdependence, as we let go of ego and learn to live from that other place.
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