My White Whale

If you are friends with me personally on facebook, you might have seen a post I made last Sunday about shovelling my driveway and how hard I found it. I have had multiple people ask me why and I honestly had no idea. It wasn't physically difficult, it wasn't motor planning... I had no idea. So when it snowed again today, I went out to shovel again. But with curiosity in mind. I wanted to learn about why this was hard for me. So I went out with an open mind.

So it turns out that I never even noticed this on Sunday but I can't see the entire snow shovel in my field of view. I can't see both ends of it at once. Thanks brain injury! So if I was watching the left side so I didn't run into a parked car, I couldn't see all the snow all I was leaving behind on the right. And if I watched the right side to match where I had shovelled the last pass I missed the mess on the left. And I never noticed on Sunday. So I had to adapt the way I was looking at the shovel. My old methods were not going to cut it anymore. And this is what I have been working on at occupational therapy so much. How can I change the way I use my vision so that I can maximize the vision I have left. So I knew what I could do to make it easier.

And it worked. The driveway is clear. Ish. But I'm satisfied and feel that I learned something.

This is my latest example of how I have had to apply the niyama of svaadhyaya since my brain injury. Svadhyaya is the practice of self-study. I have been told by several of my occupational therapist that I have great insight into my disability. Another credit thrown to yoga I think. Yoga has taught me not to beat myself up about things that I find challenging but to be curious and look at them as learning opportunities. And there are so many lately. But the feeling of reaching an understanding about yourself, and how you operate, learn, heal, love... is something I can't explain. I never thought I would be proud about the crappy job I did shovelling the driveway today. But I am. I learned something, and I put my lessons from occupational therapy into practice in my everyday life. That is something to be proud of. I didn't get frustrated with myself or mad, I was curious and learned something.

So what in your life can your stope beating yourself up for, and instead invite curiosity? Can you change the dialog with yourself. I easily could have said, well this is one more thing I can't do, and just never have tried again. But I really wanted to understand why I found it so hard. And approaching it from a place of gaining knowledge or understanding made all the difference.