Woah, so it has been a hot minute since I paid some attention to this. In fact I almost deleted the whole site a few weeks ago. Still on the fence about that. But let's have an update on this that have happened so far in 2023.
I started the year out by doin all those mileage challenges, which helped me stay content and moving through the winter. The downside is that I let my asana practice slide and my body started seizing up, with the bottom half of my body going into full on rebellion. It has only been the last month or so that I have felt better. I signed up for a 5 km run in June, started with a personal trainer and have made my distance goal 6 weeks ahead of schedule, I'm pretty sure that I will never get back to running further than that though. I find that after a 5 km run I need a nap for my brain, and it so far hasn't gotten used to
In March my husband and I went to Cuba for two weeks. It was fantastic. We had been to Cuba before but this time was different. We were different. We both were appalled by the behaviour of other tourists who seemed to lack empathy and respect for the Cuban staff at the resort. Well really for other humans in general. This trip we came to understand what it must be like for Cubans in a way we didn't the first time we went there. Knowing that the staff at the resort we stayed at go to work every day and listen to people who look like me complain about the food, the quality of the resort... etc... when they work for the government and face shortages for both food and services everyday while people throw away food all the time. Will Cuba again.
In April at the age of 47 I got my first tattoo. It may look familiar. When I started unconditionally yoga 5 years ago, I designed my own logo. I got it tattooed on my left forearm. The lotus bloom is symbolizes the beauty and growth that comes from suffering. That beauty arises out of the the muck. It is on my left arm as that is my blind side from my hemorrhage, so I have to look for it, it isn't readily visible to me.
I recently read some of my journal entries from 4 years ago, in the early stages of my recovery. I was so optimistic. I still thought I would return to work, that other than my vision I would return to my old self. It is unexpected how much brain injury from the bleed itself has remained, rather than the brain damage from the lack of oxygen. An important distinction. The damage (i.e. the vision loss and route finding issues) will always be there and can't be healed. But I thought that the brain injury things like anxiety, fatigue, brain fog would improve more than they have. I still have full on brain fog fatigue days about once every two weeks, more often if I am not careful with how I budget my energy. On those days I am tired, clumsy, I have a harder time seeing, and the littlest thing is completely overwhelming. I hate those days, but I am getting to the point of accepting that as part of my reality from now on. My husband is much more accepting.
"That's great! But what does this have to do with yoga?" you are probably thinking to yourself. Fair question. The first lesson I've relearned so far this year is balance and the importance of my physical practice. It is fine and good for me to log as many kilometres as I can, but at what expense if I am not stretching out those muscles? Yoga is a balance of strength and suppleness (right... balance...). Connection to my body and what it needs.
Yoga is connection to others and seeing the "sameness" in others that allows space for compassion and understanding. To let go of expectations and wholly embrace what is, instead of yearning for what could be. Then we are open to amazing experiences that we couldn't have expected. The opportunity for honest and real connection with other humans presents itself to us constantly, are you present enough to notice and experience it.
True growth and dare I say joy lay on the other side of suffering. There is a mantra "Om mani padme hum" which means "praise to the jewel in the lotus". To me it means that the true gift of life is recognizing the beauty that lies on the other side of surfing. That passing through it without fighting or restraining is the true path to happiness. There is always beauty that comes out of the muck, you just have to remember to look for it. The idea that when we fight and avoid the hard things we are creating our own misery, but accepting the more unpleasantness of life with grace and gentleness leads to a blossoming that is a gift.
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