This weekend marks the one year anniversary of my brain bleed. When everything changed. I was having a hard time coming to terms with how I felt about it. It wasn't clear to me. I didn't know if I was sad, or grateful. I journaled and meditated on it several times over a few days. I was no clearer to an answer. Then I was talking to my son on the phone yesterday afternoon, and in passing he said something about non-attachment. It hit me like a bolt of lightening.
Right from the beginning, this has been so much about non-possessiveness or aparigraha. I clung to the idea of having control over my life, and what I was going to do. The idea of manifestation and being in charge of your own destiny and choices. I had lined up a new part time position at work so I could teach more yoga. I felt like everything was falling into place. And then I woke up in the hospital and it was 5 weeks later (I was awake before then, but I don't remember much until about 4-5 weeks post bleed, and even then it is spotty.) The more "with it" I became the more I was sad about letting all that go.
Then it hit me, it was my own attachment to the idea of who I was and what I should be doing that was making me so upset. Grieving something that I never really had, but only had an idea of. And every time I start to be down, or feeling sorry for myself it is some version of this. Over and over again I am reminded of this message. And I forget constantly. Just like with the idea of the anniversary of my bleed, what makes that day any different than the rest of them? ME. And the value I placed on it. My holding onto the idea that a calendar day makes a difference in how I feel or see my own journey. And that is why I didn't feel anything special or different. Because inside I knew that it was just another day, no more special than today or yesterday.
And in that idea is the blessing. That each day is a celebration. Each day is a reminder that I am still here. That I got to sleep in my own bed with my husband that night. That I can walk to yoga and feel the sun on my skin. That I can talk and hang out with my children and my grandson. Each day is a blessing. Each day is another one that I am so lucky to have. It is only ever my own attachment to an idea of what I think I should be or be doing that brings me down. Attachment. This has been my greatest lesson so far. One I thought before all this that I was pretty good at. And it turns out maybe I still needed some practice and reminders.
What is it you are holding on to? Is there an idea of who you think you need to be, or if how you'd just be happier if... Can you let it go? Or hold on just a little less (baby steps!). Because here is the truth. You are exactly where you need to be. Even if it is hard. You already have everything you need. Unconditionally, you are loved.
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