On Tuesday of this week I went back to the hospital for a check up with the rehabilitation specialist. It was emotionally draining. I saw a couple of people that I knew from my time in the unit, fellow patients, who were still there. I've been out for 6 weeks today. So that shook me a bit, I was only in the hospital for 2 months, and I saw a woman who got there a week before me with a stroke in the same area that I had my bleed in, and she was still there. Ugh...
Most days I flip between feeling so unbelievably lucky, and feeling guilt. Guilt for getting better faster than others I knew, guilt for the burden I place on my family, and so much stress about what the future holds for me. So much is still unknown. And there is no answers other than we'll wait and see that the I can get. I don't know when or if I will be able to work again, driving is unknown, and just getting ready for Christmas this year seems daunting.
I am prone to anxiety and worry, not to the point where it has every stopped me from being able to function, but I definitely worry about things I have no control over. So this unknown territory is terrifying for me. It has been a hard week. I'm lucky that I have my parents and my husband, and some really good friends who seem to know exactly what I need to hear. The one thing that grounds me for sure though is being in my physical body. Exercise, which for me is yoga and running have been my main way of dealing with the anxiety. When I do yoga I feel grounded and connected to the world and myself. It clears my head, and stops the endless cycle of talk. Running too, seems to sweet the endless chatter away even for half an hour which is enough to clam me and centre me.
I need to come to my mat more than ever now with so much uncertainty around me. Asana or physical practice gives me the peace I need to use my other tools to deal with the emotional turmoil that I have been facing. It gives me a place to let go of the thoughts that grip me, and release them.
After that I am usually ready for the next step which is sharing those thoughts out loud. That is terrifying to me. But since this happened to me, I seem to be much more comfortable being able to do this. My worries seem more valid, and I got really good in the hospital for advocating form my emotional needs. Sometimes I need to cry. And if that makes others uncomfortable that's not my worry. If I don't feel it, I won't get past it. Usually once I have said it to someone out loud, it is like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. The other thing I have learned is to not be afraid to ask for what I need. A nap, compassion, silence, or cheering up. I have literally said to my husband "I need you to feel sorry for me right now. You can cheer me up later."
What is it in your life that you turn to to balance you? Is it alone time? A hot bath? Binge watching your favourite show? Exercise? And most importantly who are your people that you can turn to, to unload the train of thoughts going through your head? If you don't have anyone that you can think of, I offer myself. I can be a good listener, and I promise to be compassionate and understanding. I will ask you what you need from me. Because you are worth that. We all are. I don't know when I will teach yoga again, or go back to work, but I can be a friend.
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