Said my husband to me when I signed up for the "Winter Warriors Challenge" or rather a friend gifted me an entry and I went along with it. I had just finished a mile a day challenge in December, and this winter warriors challenge was to do 60 kilometres in January. Then the yoga studio that I have a membership to (notice I didn't say go to, I'll get to that) is having a 40m days of yoga challenge that I was all eager to do also.
Back in the day of driving and having some energy I was all about the 30 day challenges. I think my record was finishing one in 24 days, so 30 classes in 24 days. In hindsight that is a bit gross. Then I wanted to push myself physically, I enjoyed the balance of hitting a spin class and then a yin class. I would go at 6 am before work and after work before I went home. Keeping up with the sweaty laundry was the hard part.
Even I was questioning my sanity this go around doing these. Now December of 2021 was the first time I did the mile a day challenge, it was largely to connect with a friend who lives 8 hours away. But it anchored that mile in my day. Even on my worst days, I seem to manage to get that mile in. It has definitely helped with the anxiety and even just feeling present and connected. Somedays I throw in my earphones and listen to a book, some days it is about connecting with others. Somedays it is about going to the off leash park and petting dogs. So these walking challenges I find pretty easy. I have already finished my 60 kilometres as of January 16.
But this yoga challenge... phew! First of all, my walk has replaced my time on my map. In someways it is actually more helpful for me, but my body can tell. I get bouts of tendinitis in legs and hips, my muscles are tighter than they ever have been and then I don't want to get on my mat because it is harder than it used to be. In the past the lure of the warm studio and the company of others has been a motivator for me. But in the winter I find I am bloody tired. I seem to follow the rhythm of the sun and am ready for bed at 7 pm (although I stay awake until at least 9) and sleep until 8 the next morning. Generally to make the 9:30 am class I would have to leave by 8:45 and that is if I get a bus booked, if I am walking then I have to be out the door by 8:30. I know what you are thinking, because it is the same thing my husband says when I say this to him. This is not hard, most people leave earlier every day.
But I am not most people. And that is where this challenge is coming in. Yoga is not just about asana, or the physical postures. I have been trying real hard to get on my mat every day, even if it is for yin after my walk to stretch out my hips and legs. And definitely I need more asana practice back in my life. What I have been doing in noticing my not getting to class, and practicing slowly at home is how it makes me feel, the stories that start circulating, what is the underlying cause of all that. The getting out the door and walking to the studio likely isn't going to happen until the sun starts rising a bit earlier. I am noticing what is making me upset about not "completing" this challenge.
I am comparing myself to the old me and I am disappointed that I let the strength fall away
I feel myself aging. I am not sure how I feel about it.
I am embarrassed because I was all "I am going to do this!" on social media and have not lived up to it.
It has made me realize how this new version of myself will never be the same, and it feels uncomfortable.
It all sounds like a cop out, and I am not entirely sure that it isn't, to not do something that is hard for me. So is it giving myself what I need, or letting myself off the hook?
So I don't really know what the answer is. But the one thing I do know is that when I was open and honest in my walking/distance challenges about the fatigue and how I felt like I was failing is that others could relate and felt the same. By sharing we all felt less alone. So maybe this will reach someone who needs to know that they are not alone. Our suffering comes from one of five things according to yoga philosophy. These are the kleshas or causes of suffering.
Forgetting that I am truly the spark inside me and not this meat suit, is Avidya; ignorance of my true nature. That my worth has nothing to do with the things I do or the check lists I complete.
Comparing yourself to others (or who you used to be) is an over attachment to the ego (Asmita). So by comparing what I used to do to what I am capable of now I am attaching my worth to my ego and making myself miserable.
Seeking out the things that cause pleasure like only going to the off leash park to pet dogs, is raga - seeking out pleasure. Doing he things that are easy, or an attachment to the pleasure can become an endless cycle. (Then your legs start to cramp up and your regret your choices).
Avoiding the hard things like hitting your mat, is Dvesha. Avoiding the things that are challenging for us or less enjoyable almost always will bring negative consequence.
And lastly the there fear of death or Abhinivesha or in my case that I notice that I am aging and it makes me uncomfortable.
How do you get past these? For me noticing them, and the examples that I have given here helped. That meant some mediation to quiet my mind, some journalling and thought. Sharing it out loud helps. And then it is discipline to work though them. This means I will have to hit my mat more, get back to where I was. All the the while being gentle and kind. Spending time in meditation. Connecting to others and to source. It means sharing with others. It means noticing when I am avoiding the things that are hard for me. Discipline and compassion.
And still getting all the sleep I need.
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