I am at this part in my healing where things are settling, my condition is becoming more stable. In case you don't completely know my story here is what happened to me. Doctors are starting to stop seeing me every six months, and now to yearly appointments, and I've been told that most of my recovery has taken place. So where I am now is just where I am. My fatigue is improving and not impacting my life the same way it used to, and I am slowly gaining some independence.
But here is what I've been thinking about. There are so many things that I was never prepared for. Things that were not mentioned to me in the hospital or at doctors appointments, or in my hours and hours of therapy. I'm lucky. I had a big tool box (thanks yoga), and I was not very severely impacted cognitively by my brain bleed. Here are some of the things that have come up as surprises for me as of late.
I got back my neuropsychological assessment results. Included in there was the fact that I had more permanent damage than I had been told. That the bleed not only damaged my occipital lobe (where vision is processed) but also my parietal lobe, which is your sense of direction and space. Knowing where you are, map making. Ugh. So that explains why this was such a big deal for me right after my bleed, and why it hasn't gone away. I've made progress, for sure, but I still feel unsure of myself for often. There are so many times this still feels like a big issue for me. Going to the washrooms in unfamiliar restaurants seems to especially anxiety provoking for me. It is the double whammy of a dark place that I don't know and I have to really concentrate on not walking into things or people, and the then worrying about not being able to remember how to get back to my table. We were always told it was just my vision centre and that all the other things would get better. So in some ways learning this was a bit of relief as it was not back to normal like so many of the other short term problems I had. But it was the finally nail in the coffin on my desires to drive again. Too many risks.
I still have challenges with anxiety, for me it pops up almost like as a misinterpretation of what I am really feeling. For example, when I am tired or hungry, instead of my brain saying "hey, we're tired, we should go to bed" it tells me "OHMYGODYOUARENEVERGOINGTOSLEEPAGAINANDTHESKYISFALLING" or something equally as unhelpful. So bedtime has become a bit of challenge for me, or when I am hungry, or stressed about something... like the amount of change or stress I can cope with in a normal way went from say, a swimming pool to a thimble. And that is when I feel broken. When I can remember what I used to be able to handle and how little I am able to cope with. This was hardly dealt with, or spoken about in rehabilitation. And it is such a huge issue.
So if you are reading this blog because you or someone you care about has a brain injury and is struggling, or feels alone, you are not. I don't know why the doctors seem to dismiss all the other things, and focus on, in my case vision and scanning, and just brush the other stuff under the rug. I thought that mental health awareness is getting better. Here are some things that you can do to try and move forward that I've learned from yoga, whether or not you are recovering!
I have pulled on the principle of svadhyaya, or self study, constantly in the last year. Every time something is challenging or difficult for me instead of beating myself up, I become an observer of my own situation. I am gentle with myself and try to learn as much as possible. That ability to dispassionately watch what is happening to me, has kept me from full on anxiety attacks too many times to count.
Reach out. When the repetitive unhelpful thoughts start, tell someone, write it down, anything to get it out of your head and out in the open. If you truly feel like you have no one to talk to, click the contact button and the top of the page and send me an email. When you are feeling alone, go somewhere and talk to strangers. Honestly, even if it is a smile and a hello as you pass on the street. Don't isolate yourself. You are not alone.
Be your own best friend. Speak to yourself like you would someone you care about. Ask for what you need. When you can recognize that you are perfectly imperfect, and divinely loved just for being, you can start to see yourself and others with unconditional love. Because no matter what you feel like, you are exactly who you are supposed to be. No changes.
Find the joy. Even when you feel like you can't. Watch/listen to a funny movie, happy music that makes you want to dance, close your eyes and think of 3 things you're grateful for. Go to the dog park and be with dogs. Think of the things you still have, and the people who love you.
I know I sort of fell off my plan of the niyamas that I had been writing about, but someone needs this. It is all I've been thinking about. In the last year I have spent so much time thinking, and meditating, and I always come back to compassion and love. Long before my brain injury these two things guided me. And I come back to them over and over and over. So whoever you are who needs this, I feel you. I feel it right do my centre. Whatever you are recovering from, whatever thing has got you to the this point where you've got your hands on your hips and wondering what is next... I feel you.
Breathe.
You've got this.
You are loved, you are exactly where you need to be.
Commentaires