I've talked a bit about how yoga has helped me get through the last little bit. It really is my tool box for coping and dealing with all the things that have come up. So here is where I am at today. I don't recommend having a life altering brain injury right, period, but if you are going to do it, do it after Christmas. Turns out it makes an already stressful part of the year worse. But the tool I keep going back to over and over again, ever since I was in the hospital, is the last niyama; Ishvara pranidhana. In fact I remember having a moment in the hospital where I was worrying and ruminating about things that I had no control over, ad it popped into my head. This niyama invites us to surrender to a higher power, whatever that might mean for you. I have to work at this really hard right now. I can feel it physically when I am not, when I am trying to control all the things in my life. Tension between my shoulder blades, like I have been carrying something heavy. And I have. Things that were never meant for me to carry alone.
Right now I am feeling like nothing is my control. All the things I used to do to calm myself when I was anxious or worried all had to do with gaining control. I made a list of the things I needed to do to move forward, and tackled that list in a systematic fashion. But right now things are kind of "no one knows and you just have to wait that see." I am not very good at this. AT ALL. I put this pressure on myself to do more and be better. I feel like since I am not working I should be cleaning my house perfectly, and getting lots of exercise and organized and ... it is all very overwhelming. Sometimes I feel normal again, and then other times my limitations are very apparent. At first I was trying very hard to be independent and do things alone. I tried to cope alone.
I can't do this alone. I don't need to do this alone. For me this is so much bigger than not driving, not working. It is the facade of control I had over my own life seems ripped out of my hands. And in my brain I know I was never truly in control of things, but I felt like I was. To be here and to have to trust in that things will be different but still okay is very challenging. But yoga gives me tools to do this. Through physical practice, which for me is daily, either asana (poses), going for walks outside, running on the treadmill, getting into my physical body and feeling strong grounds me enough to deal with the other things. And there is the other big change. I am talking about everything to anyone who will listen. I am open about my fears, about what feels wonderful that day, about how much they mean to me. I am being honest and open and vulnerable with the people who matter most to me. And it is not easy. It is the biggest exercise in trust. But if I don't I will fall apart. And I refuse to let it take me down. I surrender the fact that I can't control the outcome. I trust that everything is working, but I will not let it beat me. I am strong and the only thing I can control is how I react to things. It is truly the only place in our lives we have control. So I can trust that I can handle it or I can be defeated.
And I have come much to far for that.
So have you. Where in your life are you trying to control that which is out of your control? What can you gently let go of? Be brave. Share your thoughts with others.
Be brave.
Be brave.
Be brave.
Cause I believe in you.
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