Even though I don't work in a school anymore, the end of summer always feels more like a new year than January does. Pair that with the anniversary of my brain hemorrhage and this is always a time of reflection for me. Tomorrow is the six year anniversary of my brain bleed. I sat and thought about this yesterday for quite a bit and comparing where I was in the last 5 years.
Firstly, I think that my period of recovery might be over. I feel like where I am at is where I will be for the rest of my life. I am MORE than okay with that. My anxiety is back to where I think it should be. Enough to keep me safe and from doing something foolish, but not enough to keep me from attempting things that are challenging for me. I'm still need about a gazillion times more sleep than almost all humans. I won't drive but feel independent enough.
Last year the word that I picked was trust. This feels complete, like I can tuck it away in my toolbox and maybe notice it and remember when it does become an issue. I have tried new things this year, like getting familiar with the gym and running again. We went through getting a second mortgage and buying a place, where I was comfortable staying alone for a week. I feel more secure in my own words and choices and being able to communicate them clearly. I trust the people I care about to recieve them with my intended message. This feels good. It feels like leaning in to the things that seem difficult feels more natural than pulling back.
So what is next? A couple months ago the mantra that I chose of our groups involved a diety who rode the swan of discernment , that has stuck with me. My word for the year going forward is discernment . To be able to quickly identify and choose that which is the correct way for me. To remember that others walk a different path that I don't have to share. To be secure and confident in my own choices and actions. For example, as a yoga teacher I always have felt like many of the things that others believe do not ring true for me. I don't believe that we manifest things in to being. I believe we make a plan and execute it. I don't believe in an omnipotent god. I believe that we are all created out of the big bang and are the same things as stars, planets, rocks and trees and that in itself is miraculous and holds me in awe. I believe that we our responsible for our own suffering and our own joy. It is our attachments that make us suffer, and our gratitude that settles us in joy.
I am open to all possibilities as this year opens. I look forward to what shows up. Keep an eye out for me.
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