So many people have said to me how strong they think I am, in coping as well as I have with my recovery. I don't actually think that I have done anything extraordinary. I just did the work. Put one foot in front of the other and kept moving forward. With maybe an extra nap or two. Then on Friday my friend who facilitates this amazing start meditating program and group where we can talk about the real stuff, posted this:
And then I got to thinking, maybe that is what people are seeing in me that I just thought was what needed to be done. It was tapas all along. There are a thousand examples I can think of where it would have been easier to not try again, so throw up my hands and not attempt to find another way. To not learn to make things easier on myself. When I could have given into the anxiety instead of moving through it. It would have been easy to be less vulnerable, opening up and sharing about my anxiety and sadness. But where is the fun in that? For me it has been an opportunity to have real discussions with people, to put things that I am experiencing out in the open. Because these things are not just happening to me. They are human experiences. We all share them, but we don't talk about it. This results in us feeling more and more isolated. And yoga is about connection.
Last time I wrote about tapas, I wrote about running. And often when you learn or read about tapas it has to do with your physical body. I think that this might be the easiest place to practice it. You get the confidence in yourself, and you know you've done difficult things before (e.g. running a half marathon) so you try the next challenging thing that shows up. And each time that you breath through it, you push yourself a little farther than you did the last time, your confidence grows. But that practice in your physical self, is just the warm up for the real test. It gives you the trust and tools to face the things that life throws at you. Those moments when you aren't sure you can handle it. But you do, you breath, you put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward. You acknowledge the fear, the sadness, the challenge and you keep going. This is what our yoga practice prepares us for. I know that nine times out of ten I am going to fall out of warrior 3, but I know that falling doesn't really matter, that I can just try it again. Similarly I know that I am likely to walk into at least one person in a crowded lobby, but I can laugh it off and keep moving.
The times you fall out of things teaches you that the falling doesn't matter. It is all about the re-approach. How willing are you to try again, and in turn come to the realization that it does not define you if you fell, or did chaturanga from your knees, but the fact that you showed up and tried is what mattered.
That belief in yourself that you can stand on your own two feet. That you have the strength to persevere through the challenging things. This is something you can cultivate. You can change the script in your head, you can celebrate your successes, and you can and SHOULD believe in your own strength. You are stronger than you ever imagined. Lean in, surprise yourself.
And also you should check out my friend Niki's website: www.nikiwalters.com
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