I want to do something with you. I want you to think about how you would describe yourself. Pretend with me here that you are filling out some form and it asks you to describe yourself in a few short sentences, or make a list of 10 words that describe you. Really do this here with me. I'll wait...
Now I want you to do the same thing for maybe your spouse, your child, or your best friend. Take a look at your two lists.
If I had done this two years ago, I think my list would have read something like this: preschool educator, mother, yoga teacher, runner, self reliant. Whereas the list I would have made for someone else would have been funny, compassionate, selfless... Do you notice a difference? My list was all things I did, roles I played. Not who I am. But for a friend I saw their inside, their soul, their spark. Lately my friend Niki (who if you are not following on instagram you MUST, @iamnikiwalters) has been talking about how we are human BEINGS not human DOINGS. It helped me come to understand that part of my challenge emotionally with what happened to me is that all those words I used to describe myself no longer apply. So who I am now?
Right now most of us are not going to work the same way we used to, we aren't seeing family and friends, we aren't DOING the same things. I suspect there are a great number of people out there who are feeling much the same way. The way they saw themselves, their definition of who they are no longer applies. I know that this feeling happens to people who get laid off, or retire, when work was where they saw their worth, when it is no longer there, they feel worthless. And it feels terrible.
So how can we change this? In my last post I talked about reframing, and becoming an observer of your own thoughts. So that is step one. Noticing how you define yourself. Look at your list, and notice without judgment what you see. Maybe try a second time and see if you can reframe how you see yourself. This can be a hard thing to do. I think that we are socialized to describe ourselves by our accomplishments, results are valued, and if you aren't being busy, you must be lazy. I still battle this often. When I realize I didn't "DO" anything all day and beat myself up. I devalue the emotional work, I devalue time spent on processing how I feel, I devalue rest. The feeling is hard for me to reframe.
So I repeat my new list so that it gets to be how I see myself:
I am resilient, I am compassionate, I am funny, I am flexible and adaptive. I am love.
What does your new list look like? I think for lots of us this is a difficult task. We can't see our own gifts. I once said to someone how it is easy for us to see the people in our lives we care about as "a soul" or see the divine in. It is a bit harder to see it in a stranger, but you can do it, but to see yourself as a perfect, unflawed just the way you are is a difficult task. It is frowned upon. Results are valued, activity is valued, and we live in a place where we all feel the "conditions" placed on us. Rather than unconditional love. That each of us is worthy of. It is something easy to say, but it is another thing entirely to live. To be.
This means letting go of worry about other people's journeys, trusting that they will find their own way and they are exactly where they need to be. It means forgiving. It means letting go of expectations. It means acceptance of how things are. It means being in the moment and not the future or past. And it means seeing yourself as worthy. Because you are, we are. You are exactly where you are supposed to be.
This is the person we were called to be. Humans BEING not humans DOING.
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