In the latest installment of "ways I make myself miserable" or "exploring the kleshas" lets talk about making friends as an adult. The prompt of for last week's topic in our book study was to make a list of things you avoid and why that is. Topping my list was people. Espeically new people. If you are a friend already, I definitely don't avoid you. But making friends, hanging out with people I don't know already, or the painful process of getting to know someone is almost unbearable . I hate finding a new hairdresser not because my hair is hard to cut, but I hate the small talk, it feels like putting on damp shoes. As kids we walk up to another kid at the playground and start playing but as a grown up it is much more difficutl.
Where this comes from on the other hand is more challenging for me. At 15, I definitely identified as an extrovert. The older I get, the more effort I have to put into to being social. And since my brain hemorrhage it is harder still. I discovered this is becoming a problem over the holidays as we try to meet new people at the lake. My list of why this is? Well it is pretty extensive:
It is quite challenging to recognize people's faces so I forget people I have already met, and have a difficult time reognizing them out of context. So if I seem them someplace different or not with their spouse (or more accurately their dog) I don't know who they are.
I don't know what to talk about. I don't work, telling people I had a brain bleed and that I am on long term disability makes them uncomfortable and the conversation often dies.
My husband often is prompting me to move because I am in the way and I didn't notice, so I feel stupid. Or whispering to me who people when I don't recognize them.
I don't know what to talk about when I don't work, I used to hang out socially with people I worked with and we had things from work to fall back on. Remember that time... that sort of thing. I don't know what to talk about and I expect that I am boring.
As I make friends with yoga people I realize I don't entirly fit in. I don't believe in rituals or the ability to manifest things and I feel like a phoney. I have a pretty dirty sense of humour and it feels difficult to get comfortable enough with people where the real me is seen.
Women are expected to be friends with other women and I have often been labelled as "not a real girl" . Although I am sure it is largely the story I tell myself, I do feel like I often don't fit in with other women.
I've been told I am too loud so I worry about speaking too much, too loudly, or saying things I shouldn't.
In large groups I have a hard time with the amount of noise and can't follow any of the conversations and spend much of my time kind of trying to follow and keep up.
I have had it said to me that I cling to the brain bleed and need to let it go, but I fee like it affects every single thing I do and I don't know how to let it go. Then I worry that everyone feels that way.
I never want to hurt someone, so I don't say anything when maybe I should have said something immediately, and then I avoid them after that.
I've gone for a walk with people for the first time and then never heard from them afterwards, and I know it is likely that they have busy lives, I can't help but hear the whisper that I am weird, self-centered, and not their kind of person (only from myself not them just to make that clear...) I worry that I said something that hurt them (see point above).
I worry that my scanning constantly and odd "shoulder checking" looks weird to people, and then I explain, and that comes out weird too... At a new house I hate having to repeatedly ask for directions because I can't remember the way to and from the washroom. That I dart my eyes to look at the speakers left hand to check if I am missing a gesture, and I know it seems weird. And I worry about all those things in the moment and can't keep up with the conversation,
That's part of the list anyway. And Friday when we had our call I couldn't bring myself to show up and say these vulnerable things to the group. Parly becuase people say things like "you shouldn't feel that way, its in your head" which makes me feel worse about it, and invalidated. Also because they are some of the people with whom I have felt this way.
So now what? I feel like the first step is I am saying this here. I am putting it out there, how hard it is for me to meet new people since and also as a result of the brain hemorrhage . That letting it go isn't an otion for me, it comes into play in all the thins I do. That I often feel large groups, and women in particular make me feel like not enough, and I know that is my ego trying to fit in. If you are reading this and are thinking "Oh no! What if I did something wrong or said something" please don't feel that way, this is my pile to work through. I spend a great deal of my energy weighing my words and responses because I don't want to hurt someone and that holds me back too.
As we plan for my husband's retirement and leaving here and moving out to the lake, I will have to try and make new friends, even just for small talk and walks. I have to face all this even if it feels vulnerable. My intention this week was "feel the fear and show up anyway" and this blog post is my way today of doing that. To put out there all the things I worry about and be ready for the "don't feel that way" that are offered. If I am being really honnest waht I want in response to this is recognition. That it is understandable to feel that way, not I shouldn't be concerned about that. Or be like my husband and flip me the bird in my blind spot and see how long it takes me to notice.
But I will keep trying. For there are the moments with people I have met that after a time there is the moment where we have a "same-same, but different" moment and I feel a connnection. That makes it worth it. Ironically it is usually around illness. The same things that make me feel disconnected and strange and the things that sort of pull me together with people. I will also try and be gentle with myself and show up when I feel afraid or embarrassed.
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