Yesterday on my personal Facebook page I shared how when I go for walks, especially on a new route it is extremely anxiety provoking. People responded with the usual "You're so brave" and "You should be proud of yourself". When I share information like that it has zero to do with wanting praise or positive reinforcement. I share because I think it is interesting to me. I was speaking to a friend later that day who also experiences anxiety and she said something like "People don't understand that anxiety and fear are not the same thing." YEESSSSSS!!!! That is so it! Fear is a full activation of the fight or flight response. Where as anxiety is your body/brain telling you to be on alert. I feel like I am on alert about 90% of the time. That I need to be paying close attention so I don't screw up, get lost, walk into something, forget something... It is a useful thing when I am out somewhere or doing something more complex, but the old brain has a hard time turning it off. I think this is mostly because of the injury from my stroke, and the rewiring of the networks, but also because my brain still feels like things are different, like there is something wrong. So it looks for what is dangerous. Constantly. Ugh. It makes my new baseline one of always on guard. I rarely feel relaxed and at peace.
What has made this tolerable and allowed me to understand it, is a skill you develop in meditation. This is why meditation has become such a huge part of my life. Meditation teaches you and gives you a place to practice noticing your thoughts. Mantra meditation or japa meditation is especially useful because you actually give your brain something else to do. It is such a great place to start.
Let me go back. I used to spend empty time day dreaming, filling it will thoughts of what might be, what has been, what could be... but not what was. In the car driving, lying in bed before I went to sleep, out for walks... I am sure you know what I am talking about. That endless chatter. Yoga is designed to help you learn to notice the chatter, not to control it, and release your attachment to it. All of it, the physical postures, breath work, and meditation all bring you to this skill of noticing the things you think and quieting that endless narrative in your head. This is the practice I have doing for the last two years.
Even when I was still in the hospital, my mom left me her mala to use. One of my first memories out of the fog is using her mala in my hand. Ram Dass talks about when he was in India and sleeping with his mala next to him and in waking during the night picking it up and reciting a few lines of mantra before drifting back to sleep. This is what that memory feels like for me. At that time I don't think I was using Sanskrit mantra, the one that I first remember using was "I am loved, and I am safe". Before I had my hemorrhage I had been taking a course on chakra therapeutics. It amazes me that I knew I felt scared and ungrounded and was able to know what to tell myself to help alleviate that feeling. Inhale "I am loved" , exhale "I am safe". Repeat.
When I was doing out patient occupational therapy my OT asked me what I did when I felt overwhelmed and I told her that I would close my eyes for a while and just sit quietly. That my husband and I were calling them brain breaks. And she said, or so you're meditating?" Right.... I knew in my body I needed it.
Back to developing the witness... the best description I have ever heard it is like leash training a dog. When you start your puppy brain is yanking and pulling everywhere. Every little thing grabs its attention. You don't punish the puppy, you just notice what it is doing and keep going. The more you go out, the more the dog gets used to it. It starts falling into step with you, less things get it riled up. Eventually you can tie the lease to a tree and the dog wit just lie down. Calm. This is what meditation teaches our minds to do.
So I share something like "it is interesting to me that going out for walks alone still make me anxious" it is because the witness in me has noticed that pop up and just let it do its thing. No attachment to that feeling, no trying to fix it, no criticism of it, just that's something that is happening now. That skill I think has made me someone who has anxiety rather than someone with an anxiety disorder. Once I have had a panic attack and that was early days, and my husband said something to me like "if you were a relay sensor at work I could fix you, your too sensitive to the input". I got it in that moment. It was a feedback loop. The feeling started the thoughts and the thoughts feed the feeling, and they grew so quickly. Being able to be the witness to what was happening in my body without judgement has given me the tools to manage the anxiety. It is still there but I don't think that it impacts me like you might think. I really just shared yesterday because I thought it was interesting. Interesting to me that the feeling was still there after all this time. That it might always be. Then the more people who commented on how brave that was, or inspirational... then I realized I may process things very differently than other people.
This is the witness. That my thoughts and feelings don't determine who I am or what I can choose my actions and my response to those feelings . To me that just feels like how things are. Because I have been practicing this now for awhile. Instead of my mind spinning stories of what could or might be, when I am not occupied doing something, I check in with my body, I notice the things around me, and mantra fills my mind. I walk and it is "sri ram jai ram jai jai ram" instep with my pace.
I am not special. I did the work. I have been gifted two years of time to just work on me. I don't worry about work. I don't have kids to look after, I have a husband who gets me. I know that I am exceptionally blessed in this crazy world right now.
What is one small way that you can work on developing your witness? Maybe on your drive to and from work you notice the times your thoughts wander from driving (how many times do you realize you are almost at your destination and not remember half the drive?). Maybe you give yourself 5 minutes before everyone is up to start a meditation practice. Need help, reach out! Message me and we can talk about it.
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