When I started teaching yoga, and this blog, I did a 10 week program on the yamas and niyamas. The yamas and niyamas are observances, practices, and ways of thinking the help yogis understand and interact with the world around them. They help us by giving us tools to process our life experiences, and they have been invaluable to me in my recovery so far. So I thought that maybe I would revisit these but with my brain injured lens.
My brain injury has given me a much deeper understanding, and an opportunity to put what I learned in to everyday practice. A chance to live it. My understanding of the yamas and niyamas has deepened so much, and the interconnection between them all is even more apparent. In my earliest days of recovery they help me understand what I was feeling, and process it.
The first time I looked at the this, I did one a week. I am not making any promises to be that prolific. Some weeks I feel great, and other weeks not so much. Which will throw us right into the first Yama: Ahimsa or non-violence or no harm. This first came into play for me after my brain bleed in the hospital, in rehab. The vulnerability of all of us in there created this place where we all treated each other with kindness and compassion. At least, that was how I felt (someone else may have had an entirely different experience). There was a gentleman who was in there, was sometime spoke of inappropriate things over meals. Other people were upset, and didn't speak to him (honestly mostly visitors, not patients). I said to him on day "you know, people don't usually talk about that sort of thing at the table, it is private" and he said
"Thanks, I didn't know that!" and never did it again. I think that pre-brain bleed I may have just avoided sitting beside him. But all I could think of was, we all have brain damage in here, if I was doing something that maybe I shouldn't I hope someone would tell me. When I had a bad day and couldn't hold back tears, others would comfort me. It was a place of love and acceptance. It felt safe.
The other part of ahimsa is how you treat yourself. I wrote about this the week of my birthday when I got home from the hospital here. I really had to work at changing the script in my head about how I speak to myself. I used to call myself broken all the time, and it was my mom who told me that I needed to change the script in my head. That I was altered, not broken. I still think of that. I have really started trying to change the way I speak to myself in my head. I tell myself how proud I am of me all the time. But even more when I am feeling down. Can you speak to yourself the way you would someone you love. And the more I consciously think about doing it, the more it just happens on its own. I actually urge every one to take note of all the times they say mean things about themselves in their heads. And maybe try and just change that script.
One of the things we spoke about at teacher training was that all actions came from either love or fear. That hate was not the opposite of love, but fear was. So when my anxiety is getting the best of me, how can I let it go and move forward with love. How can I take a breath and be open. How can I let go of fear and move with love. I find myself trying to make connections with strangers. Being home alone by myself most of the time, I get lonely sometimes. So my solution has been to go for a walk and smile, make eye contact and say hello to each person I pass. And when that isn't enough to get rid of that lonely feeling, I head to the off leash dog park for my walk. Because other makes you feel unconditionally loved then a dog. And dog owners at off leash parks are generally friendly people who are willing to talk. Connection.
The last way I have tried to put more ahimsa in my life is to appreciate the others around me. I say thank you to the people who care for me, like my parents an day husband. But a genuine specific thank you. "When you listen to me tell you how I am scared, it makes me feel safe. It makes me feel loved. Thank you for that, it means a lot to me." I want those supporting me thought this to know that all the things they do, I know the place of love they come from. I feel it with every ounce of my being. I feel so loved. So to all the people who sent me messages while I was in the hospital and after, thank you. It made me feel cared for and important. To the people who have come to visit me, thank you for taking time out of your busy life to include me. You make me feel less broken. To the people I was in rehabilitation with, thank-you for sharing that experience with me. It felt unbelievably important to me, and I think of you all so often. To the people who have heard me share my fears, thank-you for making fell not alone and like I am sane. To the people who take me to appointments without complaining, thank-you for making me feel like am not a burden. To my family who make me feel like I am loved so unconditionally, thank you for seeing the real me and embracing me no matter what.
So there. Ahimsa. Non harm.
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