I've been thinking about this post for awhile now. About all the ways that yoga has been helping me get through and heal since my time in the hospital. One of my earliest memories as I came out of the fog is mantra. My mom brought me her mala, and this would have been early days after my surgery. I remember a flash of holding it and reciting mantra to Ganesh, the remover of obstacles. I don't know if I made it through 108, I'm guessing not, but I can remember feeling calmer and more grounded after that.
In physiotherapy I got to do my own gentle yoga sequences and the physiotherapist was there basically to make sure I didn't fall over. It helped improve my balance, which was awful as I adjusted to my change in vision, and made me feel like me. In the hospital so much of your individuality is stripped away. And when your whole world feels turned upside down, one thing that makes you feel normal and like yourself again is huge.
I can remember an an anxious night, trying to fall asleep falling asleep and thinking to myself "Why are you holding on to this so tightly?" I focused on surrender and trusting that everything was working the way it was supposed to, and I could sleep. (I still have to remind myself of that). And so it goes, every time I feel worried, anxious or I find myself being hard on myself, I can look back at they yamas and niyamas and find exactly what I need to in that moment. It hasn't let me down yet.
And it comes down to a few things. We hold on to our stories so tightly. We write our futures in our heads, and imagine what is to come. Everyone does this. But when that curveball hits, are you able to let go of the story you were telling yourself and change? For me I saw myself as fiercely independent, and capable of taking care of myself. So to have that change so suddenly is hard. I can't even go for walks alone now, I can't drive, and going back to work is up in the air. So I don't know what story to tell myself and it is hard to be okay with that. When things are unknown, things are uncomfortable. So it is important to be able to adjust, and be okay with a new story.
And for me hitting my mat is the fastest way to get there. Being with my breath, and feeling my feet on the floor, I am reminded that although lots has changed, the important stuff is still the same. And that through breath and grace, I can write another chapter. The story is definitely not over. Letting go and moving on is hard, but it feels okay today.
Yoga literally means "to yoke", but I've come to think of it as "to make connections". Connections with your body, your minds your heart, and with others. In the hospital the connections that I made with other patients and the staff, especially when I was in the rehab ward, were so important. I gained so much perspective from others, and experienced compassion and support from people that I never would have gotten the chance to meet otherwise. It really was an incredible experience. I know that everyone says how much the nurses are in hospitals, but for me it was other people. It was the food services staff who knew me by name and made a point of talking. It was the porter who took me down to therapy who believed in me to get there alone. It was the cleaning staff who knew my name. It was my fellow patients who held me while I cried after a bad afternoon in therapy. These people who I only know by first name, touched my life and my heart. I will never forget them. This was yoga. To connect with others with whom I may have never met, and share our stories, and recovery.
I'll probably never get the chance to thank them personally. But I'm throwing it out there to the universe. Thanks for sharing your story, for hearing mine and for hugs and support when I needed them. Thanks for seeing me as an individual, for making time for me, and for the work you do. I see you for who you are. Thanks for sharing that.
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